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What we can learn from this..

What can we learn from the discussions about sexual abuse being generated by the disclosure of the grand jury in the case against Gerald Sandusky?

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I can offer the perspective of someone who knows what it is like to be enamored of an adult who befriends and then violates you. I understand what it is like to not be able to find words to describe the violation not only of your body but your trust and affection. Although each survivor is unique and situations are different, there is a common bond that those of us who have been sexually assaulted by someone known and trusted by ourselves and our family share. My thoughts are based on my experience of being assaulted by an uncle and his friends over a period of years and never having the courage of the young men in this case to speak of it until much later in my life. I speak now to let people know that boys are sexually assaulted and to let those who have been know they are not alone and there is help and healing available.

Many people are asking questions since the disclosure of the findings of the grand jury against Gerald Sandusky trying to figure out what this means. I urge those asking these questions to look less at the perpetrator and the failures of the institutions in which these assaults occurred and more at the victims to see what we need to learn.

• The victims were not physically overpowered and abused by threat of physical violence.

As with many instances of sexual assault, the victims were subjected to other weapons than guns, knives and physical violence. These boys were subjected to the threat of a powerful person using their influence over their lives to control them and betray the trust the victim and their family had placed in this powerful person. Using the tools of influence, trust, authority and social prestige as weapons to coerce victims to submit to the demands of a perpetrator is much more common than an assault perpetrated by a stranger. It is also something that can be used against almost anyone. Not only are children subject to this type of assault, but men and women of any age can be coerced into unwanted sexual encounters which are rape. The means by which the "force" occurs is not what we as a society expect, but that is what makes them such effective weapons in the hands of a predator.

• Both victims and predators are not who we expect.

In order to maintain of feeling of personal safety and the feeling that we are able to protect our loved ones, we hold on to an idea that does not relate to the facts of sexual assault. We feel that children are at risk from strangers lurking in dark places that will grab them when we are not looking and take them away from us. The facts tell us that children are much more likely to be abused by someone who both the child and the parent know and trust. Not only will the predator be known, they will assault the child numerous times over a lengthy period of time and use fear to control the child and keep them as a ready victim.

It is also more likely that an adult will be assaulted by someone they know rather than a stranger. We think there are behaviors, apparel and locations that can be avoided that will keep us safe from being assaulted. In other words, at some level we believe that the victim is responsible for the assault. Truth is there is nothing that can be done that guarantees the safety of anyone, male or female. The victims do not cause the assault and most people have some weapon that may be used against them to perpetrate an assault. The weapons most likely to be used are not threats of physical harm but threats to emotional, societal or financial well being. Both males and females can be assaulted using these weapons.

The predators are expected to be frightening at first sight. Someone we would run from if we saw them on a dark street. However, often they are in our homes, offices, schools and churches. People who are well respected and well known. People we would hesitate to accuse of any untoward behavior, let alone of assault. They cultivate an aura of unbelievablity around them to keep them safe for the victims they coerce.

• Silence is the power that keeps many perpetrators hidden.

Shame, embarrassment and a desire to move on cause many survivors of sexual assault to remain silent about their abuse. This silence continues to empower those who sexually abuse because it allows the misconceptions discussed above to continue. The silence of survivors makes the very idea of 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys being sexually abused before they turn 18 seem unbelievable. It also means most of us think we do not know anyone who has been sexually assaulted either as a child or as an adult. The truth is we all have survivors in our daily lives, many still living with the fear that people will know what happened to them. Once survivors feel safe to speak openly of their abuse, we will all become safer since those who abuse will no longer be able to hide in plain sight as easily.

Recovery, healing and a full and satisfying life are possible for those who have been sexually abused. Contact your local rape crisis center. Seek trained therapists. Find fellow survivors and share your stories. I know this works. It worked for me.

Help is also available at MaleSurvivor.org. You will find information for male survivors of sexual assault, a discussion board and a chat room.

Ken Followell
President
MaleSurvivor: National Organization against Male Sexual Victimization