When I think about all the things I ain't doing right now I get pissed off.
When I think about all the things I am doing now I get pissed off.
When I think about all the things that have happened I get pissed off.
When I think about all the things that I would like myself to be I get pissed off.
I'm generally pissed off all the time.
I just got done visiting a site about famous swimmers.
I wanted to be in that site.
I guess I'm not anymore.
I'm such a looser.
I just wanted to be happy.
It's so hard when you feel so much inside of you that wants to come back but you can't it's like this feeling of suffocating. Like someone has a tight hold around your neck and will always give you just enough air to breath but not to die. I am living aimlessly. Everyday that goes by is a day I lose a little more of myself.
It's hard to cry now. It's doesn't work anymore like when you were a little kid. I guess I stopped crying when noone was there to listen. When I sat in that jail cell and thought about why god had put me there I had lost all emotions. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go about living when everything is against me. Do any of you have any idea? Have any of you ever been in jail for molesting someone you didn't molest and have been molested yourself by strangers. I have no good living here. what's my purpose. Here I am crying like a little bitch again. but I'll still get up tomorrow. I'll still do my morning swim then throw on my work clothes and talk to people all day . I'll still where that smile on my face and act like everything is ok when its not. and you know something...noone cares. noone understands. noone has the time to help someone as pathetic as me. I can't wait to go home though. I got my herbal therapy there. It makes the pain stop. It gives me rest. It allows me to be the swimmer I wanted to be. Even if it is all in my mind. In the real world i can help everyone but myself. *crying*