Man, I have been freaking out all day. All this anxiety surfacing, little flashes of images that I jump at, staring around at everyone like they're about to jump me I must look like a paranoid freak! Not that this is so unusual really, it's just one of those days when something seems like it wants to just burst out of my chest and I start arguing in my head. I have body memories of feeling ripped in half and trying to hold my body together so that my insides wouldn't fall out (what my 8 year old mind thought). These memories clash with the attorney in my head who tells me I'm just making it up, look at how pathetic I am, what a worthless excuse for a man, more like a little "faggot."
You know a really weird thing about all of this? When the anxiety starts to go back down, I itch like crazy all over my body. What the hell is that about?
I can't confront anyone even if I wanted to, as my probable abuser was my older brother who died 18 years ago. Good riddance. I'm very forgiving, huh? But man, he was such an asshole, keeping me scared of him all of the time, getting such pleasure out of pinning me to the ground and playing with my face, or out of tricking me into doing bad things and then making me feel guilty about them--FUCK HIM!
Jesus, have I made any progress at all? I quit listening to heavy music that was blocking much of this anxiety out a week ago, now I'm living from panic to panic, sort of. Not full blown panic, more like constant anxiety that flares up, I can count on it, usually at about 8:00 at night.
Can anyone relate to any of this?
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division