Blackleaves,

I can relate to everything you have said. I have had so many fantasies of torturing my abuser, holding him at gunpoint, unleasing demons upon him, all kinds of hideous things. And I can certainly relate to the feeling that this life sucks, and that death would be a relief. I do agree, however, that suicide would be letting the abuser win, or maybe a better way to say it would be letting the abuse itself win. I don't believe that our abusers, now dead, feel any pleasure in what they did. I don't have any definite opinions about the afterlife, if there is one, but I like the idea that what a "soul" has to experience as an entrance into the afterlife is everything it ever did to others.

You are a very strong individual, full of rage. Right now I sense that some of that rage is working for self-preservation, but some of it is also turned in on you in self-destruction. It is a terrible battle for us to stop identifying with our abusers, but ultimately I think a very rewarding one.

Jeff

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"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division