I just wanted to add that you have accomplished so much just by being a survivor and by not giving in to the distruction.
You deserve so much my friend. I also wanted to say that through the years while searching for God I have found that you can find him anywhere. I see him every day in the beautiful sunsets and the glorious flowers that bloom in the spring. As Bett Middler said in her song the rose just remember in the winter far benieth the bitter snow lies a seed and with the suns love in the spring becomes a rose. There is hope, always hold onto that. Good luck to you my friend.
Mother of the kingdom of silence I have obeyed you long enough!!!