I guess I was like 5 or 6 I think--im not quite sure. he pushed me into the bathroom and then he preceded to make me give him oral sex. It happened several times. But after a while I didnt remember until I did it to someone else when I was 10--not really knowing what I was doing but just thinking that it was normal. Now I am older--I am lost in a sea of confusion I feel dirty because of him--and I hate myself for what I have done--why could not I control myself and not inflict my pain unto others. I struglle about my sexuality more than most I think for what I have done-because of what happened to me and what I did--but I deserve it I think because --the thoughts about how I see other guys crosses my mind alot--but I know that I like girls and I want to be with them--often times the thoughts about guys does not feel natural at all--they feel more evil and sinful more than anything else--so I feel lost and I havehad to hold this in for so long that it is beginning to kill me and I am tired of giving it power by being silent. However sometimes I feel that I dont deserve to get better for what I have done--I mean I did what someone else did to me and why I dont know.. I deserve the pain I think. But I suppose it is my burden to bear

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I found God

now I just need to find myself