I've been reading everybody's posts about their spiritual paths and I think it's cool that there are so many different ideas of diety/religion and whatever here. I'm an agnostic, which means that I don't think that the existence of God or a higher spiritual power can be either proved or disproved, so there's no point in arguing either side.

When I was in rehab spirituality was kind of forced down my throat, since they took the N.A. twelve-step path. I never got past surrendering myself to a higher power, since how can I surrender to something that may or may not be there? I was 14 at the time, so I couldn't really articulate my thoughts and everybody thought I was just being difficult.

Anyway, I'm kind of an existentialist. I say kind of, because it's such a broad term. I'm not an individualistic Christian existentialist like Kirekegaard, though in a way I kind of understand him saying that even though there's no proof you just have to let yourself fall into faith. Never worked for me, though.

For me, it's more that we exist, the world exists, but there's no meaning in existence except what the individual chooses to give it. And, since nothing can be explained and there is no meaning, life has to be seen as absurd.

Other people seem to think this is depressing, but I don't. Yeah, there's a bit of despair in it, but I'm comfortable with that.

As far as how this shapes how I think about my abuse, it's really been freeing to be honest. Instead of "why?" "why me?" I just know that the abuse was irrational. I didn't deserve it. It just happened. It was terrible and there's no explaination--it's absurd.

And, since the only meaning there is is what we construct through our actions, I have control of what the meanings of things are for me. Through free will, I've chosen that my actions will determine that my life *does* have meaning, to me at least, and that for me it's mainly centered around living a good life, being kind, being honest.

It was hard when I started believing this, because you have to take responsibility for all your actions. You can't say, "Oh, this was out of my control," because you always have a choice. Even refusing to choose is a choice. So it was hard accepting responsibility for myself, but now that I have it's empowering and liberating and I've escaped from the trap of victimhood that I was in and have become a survivor, instead.