Jesus said to his disciples: "Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.
For most of the last 9 years I have looked at this as a reason to hate God. Asking myself, 'If that is how you truly feel God, why do you let this go on?' I am very angry at God... I feel betrayed, abandoned and bitter.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Yeah, right!? I have been harmed, I have no hope and the future doesn't require shades! If God is all powerful, all knowing, why doesn't his word ring true in my life? Why am I held accountable for another man's sin? Why doesn't he lend a helping hand?
My thoughts about God are twisted with self-pity and expectations that God will do what he can not. He can not make ME do what is right. He can not make anyone do what is right before him. If he did, then who would righteous? If he did, would we really love him?
Although I understand with my mind the undeniable logic and truth of his word, my heart is bitter. I have left God more than a dozen times in the last 9 years. I have told him I hated him, ignored his laws and done things to intentionally hurt him. I have surfed pornography on the web, even to the point of viewing images of children. The worst thing is, I allowed -- no, made -- myself to like it. Rather than leaning into the pain and working through it, I've made great efforts to run from it and indulge in the very sin that destroyed who I could have been.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I have never sexually abused any child. I am way too much of a coward to do that. I suppose I could easily lie to you all and say that "I would never do such a thing. After all, my life has shown me how it damages and destroys." But the truth of the matter is that the only reason I haven't comitted the same crime is because of fear of getting caught by men, and not because of reverance for God.
There once was a man lying by the healing pool in Bethesda. He had been there for 30 years! Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well and the man gave him excuses. Jesus told him to pick up his mat and walk. I want to get well, so I guess I'll have to pick up my mat and walk too -- that means I have to do something.
My hope is that I am doing it now. My prayer to the God that I completely furious with will change my heart. My only deception is to decieve myself, and in doing so, die a little more each day. I can no longer deny the truth. I must face this demon head on and hope that God slays him.
The sins hidden in my heart are only hidden from man, not from God.
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."
Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
Jesus said that what is done in private he will shout from the rooftops. The key is openness. Everyone visiting this forum knows that. Some may try to deny it, hide from it, run from it or ignore it, but the key to healing is openness. That is what "Light" is, in the context of Jesus' teachings.
I need help struggling through my feelings about God. Does anyone have any words of encouragement? Insight?