As I wrote in the regular forum, I've been having a tough time still. I really wanted to get an input from this part of the forum. I don't know. I wanted to see what you guys thought about what it is that you needed. A few years back, when I basically remembered that I had been abused (around the time of puberty), I realized that I had very strong homosexual tendencies. As I said in my 1st post though, I also know that ever since I was a child I also had wanted to be with girls. Although I have only had one REALLY serious girlfriend (in college), I knew that I can definitely fall in love with women (I was head over heels for her and to the point of marriage even--incidentally, she was a Christian and is the only person who knows my story). Anyway from high school, I also know that ever since I was friends with this very good-looking guy (a Christian too actually), I realized that he can satisfy the 'other side' of myself just through friendship (when I knew him, I could easily control my thoughts and urges). Ever since then (I'm no longer friends with the guy 'cuz he had to move after few months or something during high school), I've been 'fantasizing' about that kind of close friendship with another guy (and someone close enough whom I can tell my story too). Although I've certainly had a really close male best friend in HS, I never talked to him about my past...I don't know I guess I'm really looking for a "good-looking" guy. I know that may sound crazy, and actually, that's what I want to know. Is it crazy and just really me deceiving myself? Am I only looking for a good-looking guy just because I want to actually have a sexual relationship? I don't know--I have had this feeling for a long time. I've been praying for a while to ask God to guide me and help me be strong...BUT I know that I have some strange reactions. I have come to know quite a few really good-looking guys. There's specifically one who I'm fairly decent friends with, but I realize that I'm a little awkward in my behavior still towards good-looking guys and don't really know how to make the friendship closer. Unfortunately, when I get frustrated, I notice that I then start to fantasize over my friend (which, not to offend the gay forum, is not good at least for me--incidentally, he too is a really nice guy-a Christian). I don't know though--I really still think that if I had a really good friendship (nothing sexual) with this guy (or any other good-looking guy), that I'd be okay and happy. We've talked about our girlfriends and the like, and I've been just fine with that (no jealousy for his girlfriend or anything). Still, I don't know. Even if it's not anything "dangerous," I wonder if it's shallow (looking for a best friend 1st based on what he is on the outside). I don't know if I'm rambling too much here 'cuz I'm tired, but what do you guys think?