I was a happy kid. I played all day, ran around, innocent, happy, alive.
When I was five, I was sexually abused by an elder. he used to work for us and had his room near the backyard. I was very close to him and trusted him like any child would trust a family member or relative.
I dont remember much of what happened, but I remember that I was amazed and shocked. it was a funny feeling. and all i remember was the end. he was funbling with my shorts,I was bleeding from my penis, and he was scared.
My sis, who was looking for me all this time, opened the door to where we were, and saw him washing my penis with cold water. He lied and said that I had fallen off a wall and hurt myself.
After that I remember her telling my parents about this at lunchtime, and I dont remember their response. I guess they agreed that I had fallen off a wall.
Children have this way of closing things up in boxes and putting them away, and I did the same with this secret. Although I remained a shy child, craving attention, I forgot all about the abuse, or chose to forget about it.
Puberty came and I realised that my high pitch voice didnt change, there was hardly any hair growth on my skin, while all my classmates were maturing into men.
And then it all came back.
Like pandora's box opened.
When he molested me, he left me with a painful reminder for the rest of my life. In his sexual frenzy, he had damaged one of my balls, which is why i had bled.
I had to go through school being teased each day, being called a girlie, sissy, etc. This mixed with all the recollections of the past and pain that I was undergoing, often took me to suicide, but I never had the courage to do that.
God is always one step ahead of the rest of us. I matured(though a little late).
Today I still fear entering male restrooms, although Im getting over it.
Therapy is not really an option in India, and so I've had to figure things on my own.
I worked hard at my education and now I have a well paying job, I live in California, and Im proud of what I've been through, Its almost like being tested through fire. All the pain and abuse has actually made me a stronger and mature person.
Im still a closeted gay, but Im coming out to my friends, and most of them have been supportive. Im not at complete peace with life, but Im getting there.
Im getting there.