Sans me

I hate enmeshment – it is the hell I lived in all my childhood with my fucking mother. I was never taught boundaries in my home, and I was her little special kid upon whom she heaped abusive emotional enmeshment. She had no boundaries.

So how the fuck was I supposed to learn boundaries in my own life. I didn't have them and every relationship was blurred – like I needed glasses to even begin to see anyone else clearly – just a fucking blur – full of never figuring out what I wanted for me, from my friends, from my parents, from my brother and sisters, from a mate – so I did not fucking exist – it was always in this blurred state, uncomfortable, needy, fixer of other people's problems – but never knowing where I was – what I wanted – what I needed – what made me happy or secure or feel good about myself – always lost – always scared deep down inside – with no direction or chance at finding meaning in my life –

And what really pisses me off is that I lived my entire life in this morass making fucked choices and fucked relationships and surrounding myself with enmeshment – reinforcing the daily serve my fucking mother attitude sans me.

And now, that I can begin to see it and all of the suffering it has caused to me and to my children (I was a terrible father – loving – concerned – boundaryless – depressed, with blurred vision) – I began to try to correct it – to find out who I am – what I wanted – how I wanted to be with my children and with others – learning to stop and remember my weakness and decide what was right.

But it just surrounds me – I made horrible choices in mates – the mother of my children is the mother of me – enmeshing – resentful – ready to undercut me – hateful because the person she married was controlling – distrustful – unable to be real or let her in on a personal level – and she was an abused needy boundaryless bitch like my mother! I chose her from the depths of my confusion -

Tonight I tried to make plans with her about the kids and we made an agreement that I would see them at certain times – and when each of them baulked at it – I said no – the plan is this – and they got belligerent and their mother caved in and let them control the plan – and she completely left me hanging there –

What is worse about it is that she wants it this way. I support her religiously in co-parenting and setting limits – because I know the kids need it – and she blows it off when it comes to me connecting with them – and she knows what she is doing – and I have to back down in order not to triangulate further and I hate it because I feel controlled again She is a manipulating bitch who would raise the tension level in geometric proportions and become totally unreasonable – and the kids have started to use those techniques – and all the careful work I have done to mitigate the wake of our splituation – the horrible damaging horror that we created – feels like nothing.

The careful work on my self to back off and look at my own boundaries and what I want for myself gets flushed in the deadly power game she plays with me – I am hopelessly triggered.

I HATE IT BECAUSE THERE IS NO ME! I FEEL ABUSED ALL OVER AGAIN – AND MY INNER CHILD FEELS ABUSED – AND MY CHILDREN ARE BEING ABUSED – AND MY CHILDREN ARE LEARNING TO ABUSE ME! FUCK THIS BITCH – FUCK BOTH THESE BITCHES –

I have to learn from this – I have to not expect her to cooperate – I have to create my own space with these kids that doesn't depend on her – I have to regain control of my relationship with them separate from her and to protect myself from her like I could not protect myself from my stupid mother.

It is so hard – I don't know how to do it – I don't have the tools to be clear – I walk into the enmeshment because I must like it – I am so mad at myself –

And if I post this you will all know that I am not so together after all – just a spineless ineffective quivering nothing – sans eyes, sans nose, sans teeth, sans hair – sans everything!

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"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.