The setup for the movie is that the main character has "this condition" called anterograde amnesia: he knows who he is and all that, but ever since an accident, he can't form any new memories.

He is constantly explaining to people that he's met repeatedly about his condition, and asking them the same old questions. He is also trying to find his wife's murderer.

The whole movie just leaves you off-kilter, as it probes through all these questions, but in the opposite way that we're used to seeing in a murder mystery.

It's got me thinking about my brief memory flash of abuse; the one that I had 4 weeks ago tomorrow. It's fading with time, and I haven't been able to have any followup appointments with my therapist. I guess I feel a bit like "Lenny" because I know my purpose, but I'm lost on the particulars. Maybe I need to write more notes to myself; it's too bad I can't Poloroid my memory, so I can refer back to it.

Most of the stories I read here, and that I have been reading in "Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse" by Mic Hunter start out with statements like "when I was (insert age here) I was sexually abused by (insert sick fuck here) while I was living (insert location here).

I don't know any of that. I have a vague idea of when (around 3 years old), but that's about it. I don't have anyone to direct my hurt and anger toward. It seems like if I just had a target, then things would be better; at least I could find another step to move onto. Lacking that info, I'm lost.

I feel like I want to induce some of those memories to come back, just so I have SOMETHING substantial to deal with. But my support system is out tonight. And I can't seem to get a followup with my therapist. It doesn't seem wise to walk into blind alleys without backup.

And yet the uncertainty is eating me up.

J

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We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails