I am kind of in a relationship at the moment and everything seems to be going well (one of my talents, I can pull the wool over anyones eyes, better than Michael Jackson and co.). I am not sure how my performance in the relationship is though. Performance in ALL aspects I mean. It is my first relationship and I am doing my very best to be a good ‘partner?’. I have intimacy issues but have managed so far to just go with the flow and pretend like I'm normal about it. I am a very cautious person. I over think everything, “if I do/say something, I feel he’s gonna think, why did he do/say that”. I don’t think that makes sense but what I mean is. I feel I cant initiate anything intimate, be it a touch on the arm or a kiss so god forbid anything further. I think that when he initiates it then IT is ok! But if I do then I’m dirty cos I want something! I really don’t like that I feel like this and I get nervous and anxious when in the situation where there shud be some sort of physical contact. He is great I have to say. Everything about him is so natural and cool. I’m learning in some ways from him. But he doesn’t know about my SA. Why would I tell him? My first thought is (and I know it shouldn’t but it is) that if he knew then he’d run for his life. I feel he will think there is something wrong with me and he’d rather a normal boyfriend. So many reasons to not say anything, so for now I’m staying quiet. We are ‘seeing each other’ for over two months now but it’s nothing serious. Although I would love it to be.
It’s funny, just before Christmas (before I came out) I was saying how I would never be interested in a relationship with a guy. That all I thought about was the sex. How that coin has flipped is beyond me!!!!!!
Just thinking out loud really.