It is not a suprise that you are confused given what wou lived through.
Give yourself time. Learn to be there for yourself. You are so young that you can do so much with your life.
You can learn to take care of you. I know about the search for a parent. I had a period when that seemed to drive it all. I found bits and pieces in other people but what I was missing from my own parent, I cannot get. I think I have accepted that.
Now I am learning to take care of me. It has been tough and scary but I am doing that, some days better and some days not so well.
You do not have to be perfect. Just be. Take your time. Deep down you can find the right answers.
It does not matter how many times you slip. Get up and try again.
Life is moving on. AM I?