My..I don't even know what to call him...friend/lover/partner, Dale called tonight. He is OK. He is back in WA. He drove all the way to me in southern CA...drove by my house...and couldn't knock on the door. He says he feels he just isn't worthy being with someone like me. He says he has done horrible things and I "deserve someone who isn't crazy." I was correct, he was dissociating. He's been doing that for a long time he told me tonight...he didn't know what it was. He thought...and thinks...he is crazy. He says he doesn't feel he can stay with his mom and stepdad and stepbrother even though they have said he is welcome as long as he wants. He says he is very confused and doesn't know what to do.
There is so much to consider. The emotional incest of my mother is so much different than what he has and is going through;I only had a few dissociative episodes when I was younger.
We are connected on so many levels, even before we knew about each other's abuse. He says he loves me. I definitely love him. I know he sees me as a father figure and if he loves me he also probably feels fear, too.
Like he said, he was afraid to knock on my door. I am sure the fear is that if I love him, I am going to abuse him as well. After all, that's what his dad did.
I know none of this will be easy. I know what our chances are. We still don't know whether he is HIV+ from the rape in Feb. But, I care for him. He is such a sweet, dear man, who, like all of us, doesn't deserve what's happened.
Other than lots and lots of therapy...for him, for me, for us (which we can't afford)what do I do now?