I really understand your pain. What has helped me is to remember that the pain I was feeling is temporary. . . and its not all of everything I feel. . . its in the moment.
As far as moments are concerned.. . I am on the medications Effexor (150 mg) and Neurontin (900mg daily). Effexor for depression and Neurontin for Mood swings. . . I have found it helpful. . You might think about it.
Be easy on yourself. . . The trouble you have (we have) is not our fault. . Its what can do to help ourselves that matters.
Stay in touch.. If you want to e-mail me directly, my e-mail address is email@example.com. This mood will pass. Although I know it doesn't feel that way now.