I went to counseling today. Thanks for the advice. I went to the Gay and leasbian center in hollywood and talked with a counselor. I told him what happened and now I will start counseling next week.
I know quite a bit about physiology and neurophysiology so I have a tendency not to asociate any of my behaviors with emotions, but with the neurochemical cause. You are right socal that I compulsively masturbated to get out. I don't drink, smoke, use drugs, or alcohol, or even caffeine. So I was able to tell the counselor about his and the conclusion was drawn that I was self-medicating. The masturbation releases endorphins so I was getting high through this. I will hit the gym tomorrow. But the most important thing is that I cried. It took a while but I cried. This recent attack has triggered a lot of memories from my youth and from killing people In desert storm. I have a lot of issues to deal with. My doctor will not touch the emotional issues, becasue he believes that I am suffering from inflammation of the brain, so if I don't take my medicine, I just can't cope.
I have hurt so many people and I mean Iraqis. The war wasn't just a bunch of button pushing from miles away. SO I happen to be one of the many combat vets who actully killed people and saw the results. I can't say no to people because I don't want to hurt anyone even their emotions. I do beleive that the perfection issue may be a part of it too. But this guy triggered too much trauma for me.
When this guy made me his slave I wasn't on the proper medication and the pain was unbearable, but because my memory was so bad I haven't dealt with it yet.
I want to live that is why I went to the counselor. I have worked too hard. I almost became a mental vegetable and sacrificed a lot to get treatment for my illness. So I have to confront things which I don't want to. But I am still afraid of my abusers. Because I kept telling the counselor it was my fault. And since I helped kill all those iraqis I don't deserve any better.I,m bad.