I repressed my memories of sexual abuse for a long time. I started having sexual fantasies about men when I was a teenager. It didn't help that my parents divorced when I was 15, and for a time, my mom came on to me sexually. For a long time, I've seen sex with women as being equal with incest. However, I am tired of the gay community. I have never "fit in", and got tired of being used for someone else's sexual gratification, then being tossed aside when I wasn't needed any more. I also got tired of having sex to meet my needs for closeness. My sexual abuse was the only positive physical attention that I got as a kid, since my abuser made me feel like a worthwhile person, which is sure something that I wasn't getting at home. I don't want to go to one of the "ex-gay" ministries, as I have also suffered religious abuse, and want to stay away from anything that pushes a religious faith down my throat. I still have no sexual feelings for women, but I'm tired of feeling inferior and dirty when I think about sex with men.