Right now at this point in my life I feel invisible as a gay man who has many issues.
This is me having a whinge, cause I feel like crap.
I curse the day that two female friends were talking about sexual abuse in their childhood. My life was already fucked, due to anxiety and depression, but it got a hell of a lot worse.
I was about 25 at the time when these friends were telling me about their experiences of childhood abuse. It sparked a vague recollection of something in my own childhood. Something I couldn't quite grasp. Months later I started having flashbacks of sexual abuse, triggered by an anxiety attack.
My father tried to kill me at 27, possibly because he thought I was going to tell, but I don't know for sure. I was taken advantage of by a guy when I was 30, who had sex with me without protection, cause I was drunk. I stopped going out on the gay scene after that.
I'm 33 now and despite periods of therapy I feel no closer to a resolution. My memory is still vague. But as soon as I get into an intimate emotional relationship, wham bam, up come those weird feelings and images again.
I feel crazy, cause I can't integrate the flashbacks with my conscious day to day memory. It doesn't seem real, but these flashbacks and memories keep coming up in my life.
I mucked up a recent relationship, because whenever we had sex I felt like I was being raped, and each time thought I was going back in time to something bad in my childhood that I couldn't remember. I kept spacing out, not staying present during what should have been the sharing of intimacy between me and my boyfriend. He left very quickly cause I was just so freaked out and majorly depressed.
I just feel really stuck. I don't work because of the depression and anxiety.
Therapists offer me no solution to this crap.
The memories are so repressed, if they are real, that I've never been able to resolve it through therapy.
As a gay man with depression, anxiety, abuse issues, and who is totally unemployable, I feel invisble. The gay community which I've been a part of doesn't want to know about mental health issues.
It's hard enough getting support as a male survivor, let alone cause you are gay. I'm having counselling now through a sexual assault clinic, and its good to talk, but it doesn't get me anywhere.
I just feel invisible and stuck.
enough of my whinging, just need to externalise it, not that it makes any difference I guess.
(Welsh word for wolf)
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.