"On some level I wanted to be gay, so that I wouldn't have to face the reality of what had actually happened to me."

When memories come it's easier to frantically search for a fantasy. To make it not his body, but a male body that I admire. Then I can prove to myself how much control I am in, how it's something I want and could end it if I wanted to. And most importantly, then I don't have to feel the pain, shame, and guilt, and more and more, the anger.

I said in another post that I've labelled myself bi because I have to continue to live with the experience of being *&#%ed as a child. One of the ways I've done that is through fantasy. In reality I love women, I love my wife, and it's women that turn me on. Yet I have all this other mess to deal with. Maybe one day I'll be able to accept myself as heterosexual.

It is easier creating a mess of dealing with orientation than having to deal with the abuse. It's easier for the monkey mind to run abstracts of orientation through my head, and keep me running - than to stop and feel. I am always trying to avoid feeling, I hate stripping myself of the fantasies and letting the memories tear me apart, over and over again, until I am either stronger or driven completely insane. I hate to feel, but I need to to be alive.

My wife has a phrase that she offered for me to use and I offer it to you - I apologize for the profanity, but every time I'm messed up I just say, "this fckng sucks." Maybe some day I'll look back and say what a journey, but I'm not there yet and so I just have to continue with the awareness that it's not easy and it won't be. And remember that "life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved."