Hey guys. Just feelin' like shit again. Thought I'd make a post about it cause I know you guys are always listening.
I was having a great couple of weeks. That girl I posted about before that I was worried about what to do with -- I told her everything. I have been as honest with her as I have been with all of you here. She was sooooooo supportive. She understood that I wasn't comfortable at all with sex and my whole damn sexuality, and is still in love with me. She doesn't make any advances on me that might make me nervous. She treats me like a best friend that she loves a lot. It's more than I could have asked for. But I still feel a lot of stress because I still feel kind of straight. Maybe I am still just deluding myself but I want to go all the way with her because a) I love her so much, and b) because of the pressure of being a 20 year old virgin that wants to experience sex.
Anyways, I've been having a great first 3 weeks of Junior year of college. Been stoned most of the time (sometimes drunk) (both right now). And tonight was great but then I kind of ruined it for myself. Let me explain how easily I fucked up a incerdible night for myself:... I was having such a great time, that waited for something slightly depressing to come up, and I dwelled on it and obsessed about the feeling of sadness, and let myself be completely engulfed by it for the rest of the night. It's like I wouldn't let myself have a good time. I didn't deserve to. I also think it was like I was having such a good time, and I wasn't used to it. I was scared of it and made myself go back to feeling depressed because that's what i knew so well. I cant understand why I was having the best night of my life with people that I truly love, and yet now I am getting suicidal (don't worry - not gonna do it). I just feel like I've cut myself off from life for so long that now when I am enjoying it fully, that I find life is just too much for me. I can't survive happiness this pure.
Don't worry about me. I'm in the process of getting therapy. Waiting to hear back from a psychologist on campus about finding referals for off campus counseling (she's also looking for someone with male SA victim/survivor(?) experience).
Wow, I feel like sh*t. Part of me needs a hug and part of me is scared to hell of getting one.
I love you guys.
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.