I am married (18 yrs) to a man who was SA by
his father. For a long while he thought he
suffered no ill effects from this abuse. In
our relationship he always seemed to act out
in sexual ways with me coercing me into things I felt uncomfortable with and he was
also verbally and emotionally abusive. He did
tell me shortly after we married about the abuse and he even recounted events he remembered. I always felt horrible for being
in pain myself from his abuse because I knew
the abuse he got was worse than what I was
suffering. I also felt angry at his abuser
and I hoped I would be a safe haven for my H.
As the smoke has cleared for me, I realize I
have boundary issues (allowing him to act
out on me) and I am learning to set boundaries. Since I also felt angry, sometimes my feelings would come out in an
angry way. This unfortunately has caused
him to feel abused by me (I understand why,
may be PTSD) and thus makes my progress
more difficult. Even now as I set a boundary
even if it is done firmly, tactfully, and
gently, he feels abused. It's heartbreaking
for me because the last thing I ever wanted
was to abuse him or cause him to feel that way. We are in counseling, separately and
together and it is helping, slowly. He goes
to a SA discussion board and is learning alot and he is getting to talk things out there. I am continuing to educate myself
on SA esp. for men (I have always tried to find info so I could just understand).
Somedays, I would just like to run away.
My feelings are so conflictory, I love him
and want to be there for him, I hurt and need
comfort and validation, he can't give it now,
HE needs now! I am tired sometimes.
Sometimes, I see improvement and then....
he acts out something else. I have read some
of your posts and I see that what goes on here is very similar to what you all have.
I love my H but I feel numb toward him.
Is this normal in this situation? Thanks
for being here.