It has been quite a while since I've posted. My husband has suffered for so long and finally this weekend he told me that he has to be alone to figure out who he is. He is conflicted about his sexual identity. He has never admitted to being sexually abused, but he has told me that he has suffered emotional incest with his mother. After reading Mike Lew's book, I know that there are many similarities in the impact on a young boy trying to find his way in the world.
I suspect more happened to him.... Perhaps I'm projecting, since I was sexually abused by my dad, but the similarities and the connection between us is so strong.
He has been seeing a therapist, as have I. What makes this so hard is he is now leaving me, and this area for San Francisco. He has new job waiting for him there Oct. 1 (secured a couple of months ago). We were supposed to go together, to start fresh. All our stuff is in temporary storage, tangled together. It hurts so bad to see him suffer - I want him to find peace. I want to find peace.
What makes it even more unbelievable is that one month ago I had a miscarriage and we lost our first baby. It is really a soap-opera. The baby was unexpected (we wouldn't have planned that in the middle of all this) and my husband was really tossed into chaos when he found out. But over time he said that he found hope and joy at the thought of this little soul entering our lives.
I feel so completely finished, empty. I'm living temporarily with my parents (can't believe that, at the age of 35). But right now I can't think an hour ahead, let along a day or month.
We're going to meet at our therapists this afternoon and talk about 'next steps.' I'm not sure what that will mean, he doesn't either.
He told me that he is terrified. He just wants to run into my arms and take back all that he has said. He says he loves me, but he can't drag me through this any longer - he says he sees my soul dying. My heart is breaking, tearing apart.
I know he has to go - he has to find out what that 14 year old boy inside him wants. I just wish that it wasn't this.... And the craziest part is that I still have hope for us, how dysfunctional is that!