Thanks for the reply Neil. It feels good to talk about this. Unfortunately, he won't read books or go to therapy because he doesn't like to think about it. I read the books for us both. He has coped in his own way for his whole life (laughing it off / hiding from it / not getting seriously envolved with anyone)and he doesn't want to be told to change, or that there is another way. It hurts him to think that black isn't white afterall. He also knows he'll get worse before he gets better and scares him half to death. He won't face it yet it effects EVERYTHING. He is also heavily into SM - he is a submissive - it is the only sex we can have because it is not real I guess - it's all role playing and escapism. It lacks intamacy too and I need more than that. I don't want to do anything to make things worse and deep down I think SM does make it worse - it re-confirms lessons he has learnt in childhood that someone has the right to dominate him / hurt him / humilate him. He sometimes asks me to kill him. I obviously have no one I can talk to about this and I don't want anything to happen to him that I could have stopped. Does anyone know anyone like this? Is this all typical of someone who has been abused? What do other people do to survive? What has to happen before he WANTS to feel emotion again? My love has not been enough so far.