Thank You for all the response and support to my earlier posts. I seem to have passed the initial trama of opening this door again...Thank God. Was really out there... Now I seem to be at a more realistic pace or perhaps I have shut down? Had outrageous work paranoia...always think I am inadequate and "they will surly not want me when they really know me". Virtually any engineering and technical field is very simple for me. I feel if it is not hard to do everyone must be able to do it so it has no value? Or perhaps because I can do it is has no value?Just classiic stuff I suppose. Guess i am thinking a good deal. Really getting all sorts of memories other than the ones I have always know. These are just ones that had not come to mind. They are just there..no feelings attached at all. Just one of curiosity. This is so accepted in my life I actually have to convince myself and research the harm. I am very aware my life has been unfulfilling and generally a mess. You know, as I write this I realize how I am feeling just like I am giving a speech to someone about a project. I am just totally disconnected from this. Weird. Perhaps God is giving me a break.
I remembered today about some of my hospitizations in my teen years. Something would happen and that is where the memory stops. One case was in High School. I was a real wreck totally out of contact with any social interaction skills. Odd so many cool people liked me though. Well anyway..this one guy distibuted leaflets all over the school that said Mike is Queer. I still to this day remember walking down the hall and people laughing and these strips of paper everywhere. Thousands of them. They were the leaflets. I remember picking one up and reading it. End of memory until the hospital. Really didn't know why I was there or anything. Was admitted with fever of undetermined origin ??? Don't know why I always remember that. I was blown away when a girl from down the hall came in my room one day to talk. She told me we were on the psychiatric floor. I had no idea?? Was just there and then went home. Pretty vacant after that. Never discussed anything with my parents and they never mention it. Silence. had to pause and wonder why?
I have had a lot more sexual memories of the guys using me but don't guess details are necessary. One that repeats lately though was with the 3 main guys. We were at one of the guy's house. They were 5-6 yrs older than me. I remember that what I did made them like me but on this instance they made fun of me. Or I don't know I thought they did. I was in the basement and one had just cum in my mouth and Donnie called for me to come upstairs for him. As i was going up the first guy was yelling "he ate it" From then on they all did that and I used to get so sick from so much of it I would gag. Donnie was my idol.