Does anyone here have any advice on how to handle parents who were so abusive? I don't have much validation of the past but some bad things really happened to me - nothing overt, covert emotional abuse stuff. She always comments about men to me. "Gee, your rabbi has great legs." "Your daughter (She is 8) really knows how to swing her tush." "That woman, she is only after that guy's money. - she tells me how she doesn't sleep around." I really don't care!!!
She greets me, "How are you my little young man." "When can we have a mother-son day -- I so enjoy your company." What she enjoys is looking at me. She comes for a visit, and I'm working at the computer and just stares at me. I say, "Why are you staring. . . I just want to look at you." We never share anything substantive. . . I'm too scared to tell her anything about my life because she is an anxiety machine. We have to leave 2 hours for a 20 minute ride to the train station, because she is fearful she will miss it. She has to come the night before to see my daughter's play just in case "she can't make connections?. . . And of course. . . there is the famous line. . "You ask how I feel, what can I say, I'm an old woman and my parts are wearing out. She is 72. (Her parts were wearing out since she was 40 by my last count!)
My mom keeps telling me "she did the best she could" and accepts little repsonsiblity for what happened - yet I'm suppose to take care of her. (I'm an only child). She guilts me terribly, refuses to see how much she has hurt me and "agrees to disagree" about how i feel. I get comments like "Your remembering it wrong." "You just don't like me." "We've just grown apart." Really what I feel like doing is putting her through the wall. There is no satisfaction in confronting her yet she knows something is wrong and have had to keep emotional distance (like 240 miles).
I have repeatedly asked her to see a shrink. . . and when she did (because I asked). Her shrink said, . . . "well, you can't deny the fact that she is your mother. . your mom didn't get the kind of mothering she needed (My mom was abused) "Your mom thinks you don't like her." What do I say?
And what makes things really worse - is that I have kids -- and i don't want to deny my kids a relationship with their grandmother (who they love). My wife can only take little doses, my in-laws understand and can only take little doses, a shrink in the family with whom I confided says he can understand why I have so much trouble knowing how she is. . and yet with this little confirmation, i am unable to really get mad at her. "After all she is my mom."
I feel so guilty thinking these things about her - and bad, that I can't put it aside.
What does it really matter. Its over, it all happened a long time ago. . and I get really critical of myself.
I can't fucking put it aside. My parents hurt me - and I don't mean to blame them for everything. I take responsiblity. I haul my ass into therpay 3 times week, trying to pull my life together.
Unforutnately, these comments about my mom pale to the stories I have about my dad (with the SM porno collection in the basement! and the machine guns).
I'm sorry for going on. . . and on. (It always takes me several days to calm down after she has visit - not to mention several bouts of self destructive behavior - because I can't handle these feelings)
Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.