Just a quick update:

I've been in crisis with flashbacks, etc. for over three weeks now and found this website. Thank you, everyone for the tremendous support, just by being here and allowing me to feel that I'm not alone.

On August 2, I went to my office and lost my mind and control and quit my job. I went straight home and called my doctor. I told him that I needed something to help with the emotional trauma that I was experiencing. He referred me to a psychiatrist (my therapist is not a M.D. and couldn't prescribe any medications).

I received a call from the HR person at my office and told her that I had an appointment to see my doctor. I told her that I couldn't talk right then because I was waiting to see my doctor. When I saw my doctor, he put me on leave for 30 days pending seeing a psychiatrist.

I've only been at my job for two months, but the HR person says that my LTD is in place, so I'm working on going on LTD for a couple of years while I try to get over this.

On Thursday, my partner went to a support group for men with HIV. I decided to take a bubble bath and relax. I started to have all sorts of flashbacks from my childhood and started to scream-bawl. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like I was possessed with pain. My episode lasted for over 40 minutes of non-stop wailing. I started to hear voices in my head telling me to grow up and stop crying and to take it like a man, etc., but those voices just made my cry harder and longer, because it was very real and very present that none of it was about *today*--I felt like I had all of these feelings coming up when the abuse happened and before I blocked them out. I wasn't self conscious at all. I felt like a little baby who was hurting. It was both scary and cathartic.

I've been cowaring in various corners throughout the house lately and find myself just crying. So I'm trying to get stable. My doctor told me to double up on my Xanex until I can get some stronger medications.

I'm looking at this as a positive growth experience. My therapist says I'm going through a purge stage. I'm taking the next two years off and going back to school and getting my B.S.E.E. I love electronics, and I want to meet others with similar interests so that I don't always think about this horrible state of emotions.

What's helping right now is my partner. He is very supportive and says repeatedly that he wants our home to be a "safe" environment and that he will do everything he can to make it safe for me. It is very hard for me because more times than not, he is a monster. He tells me how frustrating it is for him to always be the monster when he only has my interests in mind.

We've agreed to go out this weekend and get a stuffed animal that can be the "monster." I half joked that I was going to put a dildo on it and punch the monster's penis when I hated the penis.

Do we all go through periods of hating sex, loving sex, hating men, loving men, hating life, loving life, etc. With me, everything is black or white--and not consistently. Sometimes I like to look at other men and other times I can't stand them.

I'm hoping for some peace to happen soon. But coming out from my pain right now, I wish everyone here peace and want you all to know how much I appreciate your insights and work and thank you for sharing your stories.

Warmest regards,
Scotty