For the last several months I feel as though I have been churning inside and haven't been able to figure out what's going on. I have a wonderful family, a successful career, as well as terrific friends and many interests. If I were to summarize my life, I'd say I am truly blessed in so many ways.
But lately I've been feeling strange inside...as though the world is going on around me. Not entirely without me, though. I'm still doing a lot of the things that I've always done but I feel like a robot going through the motions. I do fine at work (all modesty aside, I am good at what I do!), I'm meeting all of my family and community responsibilities, but I just cannot figure out what's rattling around inside.
I got to wondering if, in fact, my childhood sexual abuse might be rearing its ugly head again (okay, so maybe that isn't the best choice of words!) and that I need to do some work. Decided to do some reading on the Internet and came across this great site. (Isn't it wonderful how the universe guides to where we need to be what we need to do?! I love it when this happens!)
The other day at work I was in a big group meeting (in an auditorium) and looked around the room at my colleagues (many of whom I like a lot) and wondered why I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I was thinking, "What the f--k am I doing here?" I was just feeling so out of it...so disconnected.
My sexual abuse happened at age 4-5 and I didn't "remember" it until I was around 45. I did discuss it with my therapist at the time the memories surfaced, but we didn't dwell on it for any length of time...so I thought I was cured....Yeah, right...
Anybody else have feelings like these? I'm over fifty and feel as though I should have it together by now.