I just registered here and after reading the posts, I am not sure I quite fit in here..I was not sexually abused as a child...Back in Sept 1990 when I was 26 years old I was attacked and gang raped by 3 men..I was transfered from Florida where I was born and raised to a different State...About 2 months after I was transfered I returned home to close on my old house..When I flew back to where I was transfered to, I was anxious to get home and when the interstate was closed because of some accident, I decided to take get off the interstate and by pass the accident..As I am generally one with no sense of direction, it did not take long to become hopelessly lost...I had a road atlas in my trunk and also wanted to get another pack of cigarettes out of my duffle bag..The dumb shit that I am, for some reason locked the car doors and got the map and cigs out but shut the damn trunk with my keys laying inside the trunk...
It was around 9 at nite cold and drizzly ...About a half hour passed when a white work typevan pulled up and asked if I needed help..There where two guys I could see in the driver and passenger seat..After explaining what happened they said they would take me to a gas station to either call a lock smith or my wife to bring another set of keys..I thought I would have to call the lock smith as I had no idea where I was let alone explain to my wife how to locate me which I was at least 45 minutes away..
When I got into van I immediatly got the feeling this could be a mistake as they had been drinking which I could smell...
I am not that big of a guy 5'7 135 lbs, gymnastic type build..These guys where all around 6 foot and at least 200 lbs including the third guy I did not at first see who was sitting on the floor against the back doors of the van...
We drove a little bit and the guy driving made some remark to the guy in the passenger seat about there is a nice tight ass for you..I was at first not sure I heard right or what they were refering to..They pulled behind a building where I ended up being held down on my stomach with a small knife to my throat, two guys held me down, pulled my jeans down to my ankles and raped me than the other one did..I was thrashing around, screaming and cut my head open..All I remember is that I was thinking this has to be a bad dream and I would wake up...I never felt such pain in my life and wished they would just use the knife and slit my throat open and to get it over width..The third guy tried to force himself in my mouth but by than I was just crying like a baby and they shove me out of the van with my jeans still down around my ankles and a one shoe missing...I cant remember how long I laid there and don't remember much after that accept some how I found my way back to the car, smashed in the side window with a board laying nearby and crawled into the trunk from pulling the back seat down to get my keys..I dont even remember how I found my way home. Since I lived in a rural area, when I got near my house, I pulled to the end of the street near the woods changed my clothes, threw the ones I was attacked in into the woods and went home..I only told my wife when I walked in and she saw the blood that I cut myself breaking into the car cause I locked the keys inside...
For four days I was bleeding and threw my underware in the garbage so my wife would not see the blood..Noone was ever going to find out..This does not happen to men and and I should have fought harder and been able to defend myself...At least this was my thinking at the time..Nine months later I could not deal with living in that same area anymore, quit my job, sold the house and moved back to Florida..I used the excuse of being born and raise in Florda and my our families were there and just wanted to move back.( which was true anyway, even if the attack never happened)

After 10 years and severe depression, constant thoughts of suicide, a practically non existant sex life, reaccuring nightmares, lost all contact with male friends and other post tramatic stress symtoms, my wife threaten to divorce me..She could not deal with my mood swings and pent up anger and almost no sex life...
In January to save my marriage, I went to a therapist, was put on the anti depressant Zolof and thru the convincing of my therapist, the first step was to tell my wife everthing..At first she was very mad that I did not trust her enough to tell her 10 years ago and carried this secrete around, but she turned out to be the biggest factor in helping in my recovery...
I have been in therapy and on medication for 7 months now...Although I have alot of issues to still work out, I am beginning to feel like living again...
Sorry this is so long and thanks for listening

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]