I was molested by my father as a young teenager, with acts ranging from playfully touching my anus and penis to him trying to masturbate and sodomize me. He was also very physically and emotionally abusive to me. I have always suffered from insecurity and low self esteem from all the things he did. Its just the molestation created a sexual identity crisis that has lasted 30 years.
First - letsget this out: I enjoy sex with women. Always have. Hopefully always will. I am attracted to them.
However, I find that I compulsively engage in behavior that appears linked to my SA. The behavior is highly compulsive. I never put myself in one of these situations on a pre-meditated basis.
I constantly think about sex. I am obsessed with pornography. I used to think it was that I was aroused by watching a women being made love to. However, I realized I was most interested in looking at men's penises, watching oral sex and thinking about me giving it. I realized that I enjoyed watching men come to orgasm.
I began to watch tons of male-male pornography. Started hanging out in peep shows. Watch others masturbate. Let others watch me. I have let someone sodomize me. I have fondled men, stroking them to orgasm. I have given oral sex to other men. However, I never seem to put myself on the receiving end of the pleasure. When I am unable to get away, I usually masturbate to the thought of giving some guy head.
And the disturbing part is, usually I find my self doing it without realizing that I got myself into the position. It is like the thought sweeps over me and forces me to act against my judgement.
I am not close to men emotionally. Actually, I have a hard time getting close to anyone. I do not want a permanent boyfriend. I want strangers to put their penises in me. My hands, my mouth, my anus.
I don't want to do this. It is like there is some question that will be answered if I keep doing it. All the while, I am still having normal sexual relations with a woman.
My sexual dreams always involve men - never women. And they are always strangers. I frequently find myself in gay bars, particularly when I am in a different town.
When I am involved in some homosexual activity, my thoughts range from "look what you did to me you bastard" to " this is what I was supposed to be doing all along". I feel some satisfaction at having another homosexual experience.
I can not make myself stop. If I have a few drinks and am out of town, it always happens. I attributed this to having my resistance down (when my father tried to sodomize me, I was asleep and awoke to him rubbing his penis up against my anus - don't know if that is related).
I have nothing against homosexuals. I have friends that are openly homosexual but I have never approached them or shared any of tthis with them. And I have no interest in having sex with them. I know them. It has almost always been with a complete stranger.
I would love to know why I do this. Clearly, a lot of survivors of male sex abuse are confused about their identity. I can not clearly identify mine.
Should I attempt mutually gratifying sex with another man (instead of only wanting to be the gratifier) to see if that is what I want? I've never attempted that. I am open to any suggestions. Virtually nothing is unreasonable for me to try. I have to find out the answer to a question I don't understand.
The biggest questions I do understand are
1) Am I gay/bi-sexual? Apparently a common question here.
2) Do I do this to humiliate myself?
3) Am I doing this out of anger at my father? Do I somehow think I can show him how he screwed me up?
5) Do I need to feel approval from a man, even if it is just sexual?
4) Is there something I will experience with the right person (either positive or negative) that will answer whatever it is I seem to be looking for?
I would love to hear others' experiences. I have read about people becoming sex addicts and doing anything and everything. I have a guy in my group therapy that has undergone similar behavior. It made me aware that I wasn't alone in deviant behavior. He - like me - is married and has children. He just has this other life he has a hard time controlling. And he links it to being molested when he was 8.
Thanks and I look forward to your stories./