After reading some of the messages on this discussion board, it seems appropriate to let you know a little more of who I am.

I'm 32, married x 10 years w/ a 3 1/2 y/o daughter. I am a certified nurse-midwife and work as a Practice Director of a group of 6 nurse-midwives. I also teach graduate nursing courses on a part time basis.

I was first sexually assaulted/abused/
molested/raped when I was 6 1/2 y/o. It lasted until I was 9. My perpetrator "went away" to some mental hospital for 3 months and returned to the area. The abuse happened again when I was 12 until I was 14 and moved from the area. I spent 9 years growing up in the Florida Keys, where the abuse occurred. I have spent many years blaming myself for "letting" it happen again when I was an adolescent feeling like I was old enough to know right from wrong and should've said something to someone. I've been to 2 different therapists along the way, for depression related stuff. Both of them seemed hugely uncomfortable dealing w/ my sexual abuse history.

I struggle w/ obesity. Although as a healthcare provider, I know this is common in survivor's of abuse. In addition to being sexually abused, I was emotionally and physically abused by my step-father. While this sounds sickening, the things that the pedophile did to me were horrible, but provided pleasurable sensations. And while I often felt threatened that he would hurt me if I reported what was happening, he was actually always pretty calm, quiet and "nice" to me (part of the ploy I am sure). Can anyone relate to this? But back to the obesity, I've recently developed diabetes and what a wake up call that was. I'm pleased to report that I am getting my act together, have lost 50lbs, am exercising and eating healthily and have excellent blood sugars now. I feel better physically than I have in a really long time.

I am in awe tonight as I read the other stories, to know that I am not alone. As men, we are programmed to be tough, not talk about this stuff and move on. Further, in my own quest to maintain masculinity and prove my straightness, I've suppressed any and all thoughts. Or so I try? Does this stuff creep up on me from time to time? How about ALL the time.

I am very animated person. I talk w/ my hands, love to laugh and giggle. When I left Florida, I went to live w/ my grandmother. Raised thru my teen years by her. Went to nursing school...surrounded by women. Went into obstetrical nursing, again surrounded by women. And now as a midwife, still am surrounded by women. Intimate or deep relationships w/ men have always been uncomfortable to me. And I've had few good male role models. So being around women as much as I am, and not being "a man's man" makes others who don't know me question my sexual orientation. I've learned to get past it, but I wish I didn't have to deal w/ it at all.

And like I said in the first post I sent, a warrant for my perpetrator's arrest is being issued after another victim (a woman) came forward. There were 4 victims identified, one of which cannot be located. Between the 3 of us, there are at least 50 separate incidences of the abuse that we were able to remember in deep enough detail for the investigators to make individual charges. I was called 2-3 years ago for questioning over the phone and gave a 3 hour testimony. Never heard anything, until yesterday, so I thought it never went anywhere. Much to my surprise, I was wrong. This pedophile is now in his early 70's, but the state's attorney's office seems to think he'll spend the rest of his days in prison. So says the investigator I spoke to yesterday who is drawing up all the charges. In the unlikely event he pleads not guilty, he would go to trial and I would have to testify as to what occurred. It would be painful and ugly, but I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I look forward to more sharing w/ you all here. I am also interested in the retreat that is being held in September in Princeton, IL...about an hour from my home! Anyone else in this group planning to attend.

Happy to have found this group, though not happy about the circumstances that makes this group necessary (if that made sense!) IOW, I'm sad we're all here, but I'm glad we're all here.

I'm sorry this was so lengthy. There's so much more I want to say, but will spare you for now, ;-)

Take care,
Darryn