I'm very anxious this week:

1. I've seen a new therapist 5-6 times in the last month and a half. Most of those sessions were assessment-oriented. He's a psychologist, and has a good handle on the PTSD aspects of my history, but I'm wanting to address SA issues specifically. I generally like him. But there's a snag with the insurance. He's out-of-network, so it may be a few weeks before I can resume my appointments with him ('cause I can't afford to pay the $125 @ hour out-of-pocket). The first few sessions were covered by an EAP contract. Then he went on vacation. It's been hell finding someone in this rural area to talk with. If it's gonna be weeks before I resume sessions with him, I'm gonna need other support because I've let the genie out of the bottle, and he's not going to go back in, and I don't want him back there anyway. I'm pretty resourceful however, so I may just have to continue with the reading, journaling, and coming here. Otherwise, I may have to go with someone "in-network," but I don't want to because that would be starting all over again. I just don't think there are that many professionals who understand the unique gestalt of male victims/survivors. I also haven't been referred to a psychiatrist. I'd at least like the opportunity to examine what rx's might help me.

2. My daughter wants to be confirmed in the Catholic Church. I was reared a Catholic and molested by a priest/spiritual director when I was in a seminary program when I was 19. We've done some church shopping as a family, and generally feel comfortable with Catholic-Episcopalian-Orthodox traditions. But it's real hard for me to make a committment to any. My daughter wants to belong to a faith community. She doesn't know from whence comes my ecclesial reluctance--other than the obvious hypocrisy of insitutional hierachies.

3. I'm feeling stronger, and so am sticking up more for myself at work. And the otherwise easygoing nice guy is getting some heat for not being a push-over. I see this as a natural result for sticking up for myself. I just don't have a strong foundation for doing it since I was so demeaned and abused, etc. as a child. I can do it, it's just producing lots of anxiety. The manager I'm dealing with is notoriously manipulative. I'm in the right here guys.

4. My brother's 48th birthday is next week. I have 5 brothers. He's one of two who didn't abuse me. I confronted the oldest brother 20 years ago. Everyone scattered. No rush of support for me. Awkward avoidance ever since (but then it was there before). I want to write to this birthday brother and say, "it was rough for me growing up in that house, things were weird, I'd like to talk about it. Just drop me a line or call and let me know if you can do this." I want more validation from him (anyone?) that, yeah, it happened to me too, or yeah, I always thought mom was a little strange, etc.

Any thoughts to share?

I feel better at least getting this much out.

JM