I just acted out in a very destructive way. I insulted most of my wife's family and most of all betrayed my wife's trust and deeply hurt her.
After a wonderful day of fun and food at my wife's sister's house, I made the mistake of calling home to wish my father a happy father's day. I was relieved to end the call quickly due to bad reception from my cell phone.
My wife was anxious to give me a chance to connect with my family and even though I said I did not want to call again, insisted on dialing the number and handing me the phone. I wish she hadn't done that. I also wish I had carefully and wisely said, " I am relieved that the conversation was short this time. . .I do not want to speak with my brother (perpetrator) and he is there."
Instead, I picked up the cell phone and spoke with my mother who stated that they were all sitting down to grace and would I like to call back or make it short and sweet now? I was again excited at the chance to get off the phone that easily and said, "short and sweet would be great." The whole family of 11 relations shouted happy father's day through the phone, and we said goodbye. I thought I heard my perpetrator shout happy father's day on his own after the group so that he could be heard to speak alone and get through to me. I was disgusted and frightened and so glad to be able to hang up the phone.
My wife asked why I had cut it so short and I flipped out. Instead of saying how happy I was that it had gone so briefly and explaining how weird I felt hearing my brother's voice deliberately calling to me accross the many miles, I attacked her and went into full denial mode:
"Unlike your family, they were sitting down to eat together."
I defended my ludicrous attack for many minutes more while her family that was within earshot grew more offended and I tried to turn them against her and make them feel sorry for me.
As her anger grew, I started to remember the truth of my feelings and tried to say I was sorry, but my stupid angry words and denial had already caused damage. My 14 year old neice was crying, my wife's two sister's were fighting and my wife was flipping me the finger.
I caused a beautiful day to turn very ugly. My wife had cleaned the house, bought me an engraved ring, given me home-made pottery that she took the time to make with my son for me and made delicious love with me earlier today. I repayed her by being untruthful about my feelings and attacking her and her generous( though not perfect ) family.
I want to blame my wife for "forcing" me to call. ( she dialed the number and put the phone in my hand )
I want to blame my perpetrator.
I want to blame my parents for having him at their house for every holiday.
I do blame them, I also am trying to blame myself.
I am an angry man. I am a lecherous man.
I am a selfish man. I am a weak man.
I have not been taking care of my psyche for the last couple of years, and it is starting to show. The hardest part of being a survivor is having a good non-abusive relationship.
I need SIA meetings and I haven't made the time. I am not clear minded.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wow! do I need God and that prayer to be in my daily life.
Thankyou for providing a place where I can talk. I need this desperately... denial is craziness.
My 1 brother is living in a peaceful cult and was a secondary perpetrator for me and possibly my sister as well as another of my brother's who went on to perpetrate my sister and I.
Another brother is sleeping with his cousin and was my sister's primary perpetrator and my primary perpetrator.
My sister is a cocaine/crack/heroin addict who recently overdosed and has never come to terms with her incest - she continues to socialize with and think well of both perpetrating brothers.
Calling home on holidays is very frightening for me due to the fact that I worry what could happen. Is my sister dead? Is she being abused? Is her daughter ok? Will I be expected to speak to my perpetrator? Will I hear his voice?
I am very screwed up and very unhappy.
I will write more each day. ( this is my attempt at erasing denial )