So I feel pretty damn lonely. It sucks. I feel more alone in my marriage then I ever felt being single. I'm putting a lot of work in on myself and doing things that are good for me again and this feels good but this lonely thing keeps bothering me.
Maybe I'm not handling things as well as I want to believe that I am. who knows. This is one of the few places I come to be honest and try can connect with others who understand how you can be married but feel completely alone.
Me and H talk sometimes but only about mundane things. It drives me insane. Our relationship sucks but all he wants to talk about is the weather and what he did at work. We must just ignore the elephant in the room. It all feels so dishonest and plastic to me.
I've been trying to stop unloading on my friends about my
marriage. H feels uncomfortable with people knowing our stuff and I'm trying to honor his need for privacy. Also my friends are nice but they can't really help much. So when can I talk about it then. Our weird robotic relationship that feels unnatural. Maybe I'm not really upset that he is depressed maybe I'm just upset that my emotional needs never get a voice.
I hate feeling this way. Feeling lonely makes me feel weak and that is very uncomfortable.
I'm pretty mad at God right now too. I prayed a lot when deciding to get married. I felt strongly that it was a good decision. I'm left to believe that perhaps I'm supposed to just learn how to get comfortable with being alone.
Some of that partners on here have been in these types of relationships for 20 or more years and I don't know how they have done it. Please tell me your secret knowledge. I'm trying so hard to just embrace the reality of it. When I think about that this may be how it always is I just start bawling. I'm so angry at myself for choosing this. I was such an idiot.
Everything comes from within