I've been a member now for a couple of weeks, and have read many stories here. Although they're hard to read, it helps knowing that I'm not the only one who has dealt with self-loathing, shame, and at times anger.
I was first abused more than 20 years ago when I was around 15 or 16 by a person I truly looked up to. He - only a few years older - groomed me, and became a special friend before anything happened. He made me feel special, that he and I were “closer” friends than others. Then he molested me one night...and the next day made it seem like our friendship had clearly reached a new level of specialness. I really thought it was awesome at the time (altough shameful and wrong). Bastard. Thanks for convincing me that I had anything at all to do with it. The abuse continued for another 3 to 4 years, infrequent (mostly) because we didn't live in the same town, and only could be together as friends when something was going on at the scout camp we worked at. There's more to the story, but I don't feel like sharing yet...this is hard enough.
I denied for years, finally admitting to abuse shortly after I got married. My wife has always been supportive.... I thought I had this under control, until a few weeks ago when I stumbled (self defeating behavior) and got caught. Complete mental meltdown / panic attack... ugly scene... I'm at the bottom, totally humiliated, and totally embarassed.
I'm now looking for a good therapist (in between work trips), and trying to keep it all together. I really didn't want to write here, but hoping that maybe by writing some of it down, it will help me to not bury it away again. I don't really know what to do next. I'll find a therapist, I'm sure, but quite frankly that scares the hell out of me. I'm terrified of what might be uncovered....not sure I'm ready for that.
...anyways, thanks for being there.