There is no excuse for what I did. I snapped and screamed then I beat my brother. He didn't do anything but say that he thinks I need help. That I seem to be acting psycho. I told him to leave me alone and he grabbed my shoulders and shook me. Telling me I need help so I pushed him to the ground and we fought. But it was not a fight. I beat him. I am so much bigger then him and he got hurt. He told me off and left, saying he's not coming back. He's 18. I can't make him come back. I don't know what to do. I promised my self that I would stay alive for him. But now he hates me and I hate my self. I don't deserve a second chance and I don't think I deserve all I do have but I'm worried about what he'll think of me if I give up. I can't let him blame himself because it's not his fault. It's mine. It's all mine and it always has been. I could have stopped it all if I had just opened my mouth when I was five. But I buried it and forgot it. I don't know what to think anymore and it hurts just to breath. I am pretty drunk right now, but it doesn't help. It still hurts. I wanna go to him and tell him I'm sorry and I won't do it again but that may be a lie and he don't deserve to be hurt by me. I hurt him enough. I just wanna give up so bad but I can't yet but there is nothing I can do. I'm gonna get fired for missing work and then what? I won't even be able to pay for his dr. I'll be fully useless. I'm so confused. Is there any hope left or did I ruin it all?
_________________________
Here to help my brother and maybe my self.