Possible triggers -

I tried to come up with so many ways to put my 2 cents in again but everything I thought of to say started a trigger so I may drop from this thread but suffice it to say that I confided to a close pastor friend of mine and my wife's what happened to me and, because I went willingly with the teacher that raped me and the john that paid me for a bj, I had sinned. I was devastated. But! According to him, I didn't commit a sin with the priest that raped me.

I believe that if there is God in heaven that thinks my rapes were sinful acts like Fred Phelps, then He is not a God that I wish to worship. Where was He when I was being groomed? Where was He when I was seeking answers about my sexuality? Where was He when I was made into somebody's bitch? Hmmmm?

I've agonized for years about my sexuality. I begged and pleaded with God to forgive my "sin" and I never felt any peace. I did get married but It wasn't until 4 years ago, after decades of depression, rage, attempted suicides, hospitalizations, addiction, and misdiagnosis' that I found out that I was a victim of SA and NOT a sinner and that I have PTSD because of the abuse.

I don't know if this disclosure is on point or not. It was just as much as I could say without bottoming out. Luckily I have an appointment with my therapist in an hour or so.

Rusty


Edited by Rusty563 (03/24/14 01:47 PM)
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14