To tell the truth.
Sometimes I want to do something something about stuff that happened. But I feel I was like too old. Nothing I could do. I was 16. I didn't think things through. My mom had been a sex worker growing up and I had done it before when I was a tween for money food for my brother because I was the only one taking care of him. This time I was on the streets and had no money. And I knew this guy from a friend of a family I used to stay with. He knew my situation I ran out of friends to stay with and I was sleeping underground with a lot of crazies and drug addicts and homeless youths like myself. I was still trying to go to school. I didn't see how I would do that in my situation as it was when fall would inevitably come. I made a decision to move in with a friend who said he was really supportive of my determination to not fall through the cracks due to being homeless. Anyhow, I had in the past engaged in prostitution when I was like 11-13. He had a lot of money and I knew why he was interested in me staying with him. I knew why but felt like I didn't see a way out. And I thought if it was just what I used to do it wouldn't be an issue. I moved in. At first for like the first two months it was ok. He made me lie about my age to his friends even though age of consent is 16 here. It was just simple like I had issues with like our sex life some if the things he did. But like other than that I didn't really have an issue with it. I went to school on weekdays and studied. On weekends we went to parties drank and smoked too much to remember what happened the day before. And then, things got harder for me. I still managed to go to school. And pretend things were ok. But they weren't. It mentally took a toll on me more. After the two months, I tried to make excuses reasons not to do it. He threatened me. That if I didn't do it I'd be back on the streets. Later on if I ever told he said he'd kill me. I was in certain pornographic materials. I slept with people I didn't want to on a public level. which took a mental toll on me. What I did before was my own shame. I hated that I knew I was being judged for it. What others thought of me I felt like so much of the time like I wanted suicide because I didn't feel there was a way out and I hated myself. I'd cut myself to let off aggression. He constantly jammed this in my mind that without him I was nothing. Less than nothing really. He always used facts. I fell for them every time. I started snorting coke around this time. I needed to feel like I wasn't as terrible as I felt . I needed to cope. And not break down. Do whatever I had to do to keep a place to stay stay in school move forward and keep a calm attitude all while I felt inside like I was being raped every time. He'd verbal abuse me. We got in physical fights. From there sometimes he'd strangle me sometimes until I passed out. I never said because I felt threatened I never left because when it got so bad I was scared to leave his threats turned into death threats. He knew people in the area and I knew running away would lead me to the streets. When I was 18 I ran away successfully. I finally got in contact with someone who ended up helping me. It took me that long to even try to reach out and ask for help. I've never completely explained what happened. Too ashamed. I wasn't openly gay or bi. So I felt like I couldn't say anything. He'd make me have sex with guys unprotected sometimes even which I think is where I got hiv because I didn't have it before I was with him. I have a lot if pain from the situation unresolved. I wish sometimes that I could report him. But sometimes I feel like I know I'm nothing and he comes from a family that has power and prestige. And he himself has a better reputation than myself. I feel like I don't have the balls to tell. I know it's best to forget it but it plagues my life in so many ways everyday it's hard not to think I want to be honest. But everyone would judge me. It's been a year. And I've been exploited many different times but this I was so much older and all I feel sometimes so bad about it I'd like to crawl in a hole somewhere.