Moutions, I could have not said it better myself. My T, has said in order to heal I have to connect the emotions of the past. It is strange I know the "things" happened too me But I have placed them some where I never have to deal with them mentally but clearly my body does. I think the best example would be getting in a bad car accident, yet knowing it happened but not knowing all the details of it. I think this what has kept me safe.
I am very grateful to the point in which I am at today, but I know there is more out there for me. But, I seem to get highjacked because of fear and shame. Thinking basically that all strangers are bullies and going to cause harm.
In my professional life people are amazed that I am a wall flower when it comes to my personal life. And when it comes to emotions I just can't be with them as I feel it shows weakness.
My shame is connected to two things, the items that where done to me, and my sexuality. My mind knows I didn't deserve the things which happened to me, but my buddy still thinks so and it trues to keep me safe. When there is no need for it.