For those of you who are following my fucked up journey, wondering how it is I can come down so hard on myself; here's an example as to why I am such a failure.
The leader of the improv organization that I've been taking classes with sat down next to me at the bar. There were several others hanging out after class. She's doing her social butterfly thing. I complimented her profusely on how the organization is run, how it challenged me to take risks. And then I blurted out that I had PTSD, and that I was finding improv to be valuable in helping to address some of the knee jerk fearful reactions I have.
And then I said "I have to admit, I was a little disappointed that I wasn't chosen to be a part of a troupe during auditions last time". She was one of the judges for auditions. I didn't get in. "I understand why; I have a tendency to become self absorbed on stage when I feel nervous / scared."
She became a little defensive and reasoned it off with "Well, you know how it is. You're a filmmaker. You try and put something together and it falls apart."
"Yeah, of course. I don't have any hard feelings".
At once, I realized that I should never have brought it up. How stupid I am for bringing it up in the first place.
And then ... THEN ... I had the audacious stupidity to text her on facebook and ask her if I would be disqualified from being a part of a troupe if I had a weekend retreat (WoR) at the end of March.
I never heard back from her. Though I did see her briefly again a couple days ago. No mention.
I commit so many social faux paus. There is nothing funny about my predicament. Most times I commit these infractions without realizing it until it is far far too late. Once in a while I catch myself in the process of actually committing the infraction, but again, it's too late.
I grew up believing I was autistic because I'm so fucking slow in this regard. My therapist has almost convinced me to let go of this belief. But I can't stop experiencing these lapses of attention and idiocy.
I can't make friends. I don't know how. People have told me all the things I'm supposed to do. But I'm still not making them. I know a lot of people, and I *guess* some of those people genuinely care about me. I've asked them why they do, and I still don't understand what drives or compells people to be friends with each other.
Take a look at my more recent post "what drives/motivates people to be friends"? This is a case in point of my retardation. I really haven't got a clue what makes people want to be friends with each other if there is no sexual attraction.
I have no clue. I have no idea. And I commit all these retarded social idiotic moments and wind up cutting my own head off at every turn.
No amount of 30 years of recovery work has remedied the issue I identified 30 years ago; I don't know how to make friends. I simply can't fathom what I'm missing. And recent science is emerging that early and severe childhood neglect can have a dramatic effect on brain development. Some capacities for socialization can be turned off during these stages. Evidenced by romanian orphans from the war in the 90's. They live lives that are remarkably similar to mine. Lost, lonely, filled with resentment, rage, and without hope for a bright future because they've been so disabled by their early experiences.
I don't know why I keep posting here. My recovery isn't going anywhere. I'm still in the shit hole I was 30 years ago. But now I see that I'm further down the shit hole after all my efforts.