I have been on the boards from time to time, nothing special just seeing if I can get a better understanding of everything. I am in therapy, and have seen many great changes which I am proud of. Though, I do see the past coming into play at times too. At a simple high level, I came from a very physical and mentally abusive home. I was sexual abused by more then I care to admit too. The details I don't feel are real important to the board right now. And, on top of all this I am a gay male.
In the big picture of everything I know I have more then enough shame that it could fill a football field, and it is this shame is a demon when it comes to the past and moving forward. You may be asking how I know this. I have done tons of reading and work to becoming more healthily mentally. I recently heard a quote which really opened my eyes greatly! Which made me make some major changes in my life. So much so that I don't have any friends anymore. It is funny people have told me over the years that I give great advice, and you know what I have because I have been doing the work to fix myself. Because of this quote, I noticed that many people where leaning on me. Friends and a business partner who where manipulating spouses, friends or others and acting in a way that I would never because of my past. So, I had many frank conversations with them and told them I could not be part of their lives anymore, because what they are doing today is what I grow up with and I could not be associated with it. I truly learned that I am a people pleasure, I will do what ever I can to have people like me of course with in reason, yet others don't do the same for me.
So the reason for my post, I know I have buried greatly many things that have happened to me. So much so that I can't even be with them to feel the emotions. And this has been the same experience in therapy. I am trying to tap into them, wondering if I write in the 3rd person if that would help. Basically looking at my life as a movie and writing what I feel for that poor child that had these experiences. Has anyone tried doing such?
One thing I do know, is I have TONS of shame for my past, which I know in my mind is not my fault but my body doesn't know that, and also for being gay.
Post by 1lifenow really opened my eyes to it, and today at the gym, I truly fault my body reacting. There where a few people there who I have interest in and clearly they do to in me, but I have this look on my face of stay the hell away from me, I could see it in the mirror and feel it in my body. My heart was racing and I was shaking so much. Totally crazy!
I know that this is going to be part of me until I get past the shame, but I am at a loss on how to do it. Even when I am in therapy and we try to look into, I get this fog, and overwhelming sense of danger which is crazy.
So if anyone has some insight on how they did such, I would be happy to hear. Because this is not living. Christ, I recently adopted a dog(8 months ago), which I have wanted for years yet I feel I don't have a connection to her at all, and it bugs me.
Thanks guys, looking forward to the insight so I can hopefully get past this.
Quote I was referencing -
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Albert Einstein
Sorry for any grammar issues, it is really hard for me to put this in black and white.