The other day I tried free association writing to see if it would help me figure out what happened to me. I am sure I was abused as a child but have very little concious memory of what happened. Also had no idea who the perp is. Free assoc., for those who dont know, is basicaly just writing down whatever comes to mind w/ out filtering it no matter how silly or irrevelant the thoughts may seem. My T suggested I try this when I asked her how I could remember what happened to me at such a young age.

Started writing lying in bed. The first few pages were basicaly ramblings, then I was writing about a time my mother left me alone w/ my dad (i was 3 or 4 at the time) I started feeling chills. I wrote all the feelings I was having while writing. I was out side crying that I didnt want her to go. My dad smacked me in head. She just kept going. After that, things got really hazy. Started to feel my eyes closing and felt really high (but kept on writing). The feelings came in waves. I was in a trance after a while. I vaguely remember writing some things and have no recolection of others.

When I finished I must have passed out. When I woke up, I read what I had written and there were many pages I didnt remember. In the writings I was having conversations w/ myself.
Present tense. The hand writting was changing constantly. It seems like there were a few of me going back and forth. One was me as a child and the other was asking the child what happened, and the child wouldn't tell. This went on for a page. Me trying to get my inner child to tell me what happened. When I gave up asking, I wrote: " Thought he would break but he wouldn't. He is me back then...I protect him." I went on to write some profanity, when I wrote (in a completly different hand writting) "leave him alone, he's been through enough."

The more times I read it I keep thinking I have a mult. personality disorder. These different versions of me don't have seperate names or anything like that, but I cant come up w/ any other explaination. There are many times when talking to my wife that I'll say something and she'll explain that we already talked about that. I thought that I just wasnt paying attention but most recently she said we had a full conversation that I have no recolection of.

In between all the conversations written, it seems that an act of abuse going on. I am in the bathroom and someone comes in. I say who are you, why are you here? then I feel a wave of sedation hit me and some other character (me) starts talking. This goes on for a page or two then the child comes back asking for help and some graphic details are told, then again another me takes over. The last page there is a finish and I write that I dont want to get up or I "wont be high anymore." Someone else say "relax, breath, and sleep." Then I fell asleep.

I wouldn't believe it if I didn't write it myself. Any help would be appreciated

Dan