I am truly recovering. However, I am currently in a state of rage realizing for how long I've lived in fear and for how long I've lived a live of misdirected energies.
I had a shame inducing mother around sex, a woman who hated me being a man and let me know it, a father who disliked me and a brother who nonstop sought ways to abuse me. I had a horrible empty home life and in seeking escape, I was abused by men. I was mistaken that my abuse was something else because it felt good. I thought I must be gay even though as soon as the sex act was over, I just wanted to get away from the person. It was NEVER about love or relationship. It was always a mistake of false intimacy that I needed to believe.
My rage is at the adults in my life. My rage is at therapists, 2 of them gay and both who told me that I was gay. My rage is at gay men who tell me that I must be gay. I had a friend in an abuse group who told me that I was gay. They were wrong and dangerous people. Being gay was not accurate for me.
It didn't require Christianity or any doctrine for me to recover from it. It has required self-confidence that I could follow my inner voice to the truth and it has required reading, therapy, taking chances, telling others, support, etc. It has required disregarding the media messages and the messages from people who are very threatened by this type of recovery.
Maybe I'm raging at the wrong people or this is simply a beginning. Maybe my rage is actually covering up fear of women and a world I avoided through my sexual acting out. Maybe my rage is at me. Maybe my rage is a thin cover for my grief over a confused, lonely life that I lived and maybe the rage is that I've finally gotten to where I am and I am 48 years old. Maybe there is more rage than I can write. Maybe it is rage at God. But it is rage and who do I tell? What do I do with it? Where do I go with it? In a way, I love it and value it because I can finally feel it and I've been wondering for all these years "Where is it?" I could see that I should be rageful based on what happened but now I can feel it. So I know it has value.
This is not even to begin on the topic of rage toward my mother, father and brother. It feels off the scale. I didn't that rage was building in me as a kid who shut down and stopped living in order to avoid abuse, humiliation and rejection. I didn't feel the rage then because it made me feel my impotence, my lack of power. My only power was to avoid, try to please, and try to escape.
My coping mechanisms no longer have value for me and I am working on my real power. I want to be powerful. Plain and simple. And I want to put the shame and hate on the people who deserve it even if they don't want it. It's their crap and I am sick of carrying it for them.
Being able to speak the truth openly feels like the real power I am seeking. Not just on these boards, but as part of my life, not my entire life.
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed