Welp, that didn't last long.
Psych said that if I didn't feel mostly or entirely better after 3 days post-weaning that I should go back on. The last 2 days in particular I've been edgy, dizzy, and my heart rate was up, sometimes accompanied by chest pain (I looked it up and this is typical of withdrawal). I found myself actually craving the pill, which I didn't know was possible. Then I was.... inwardly in NEED of a drink, something to calm me down. I haven't felt that way in a long long time. I had one beer (strong, 9.5%abv) and felt vastly better... and knowing I was self-medicating made me feel worse.
Sunday night I got maybe 3 hours sleep; last night I either got 1 or none. Just like during my breakdown, I was COMPLETELY WIDE AWAKE at 11:30pm, energized and not tired and actually feeling kind of good. That was the setup for me nearly losing everything in 2012. I can never, ever feel that way again.
So as of this morning I'm back on.
I feel sad and weak, like an addict. Recovery should be goal-oriented and one if my goals was to go unmedicated when I was ready. Looks like I'm not ready, and there's a chance I might never be. Maybe I should have stopped taking the klonopin months ago, but I wasn't ready: my new job didn't stabilize until July, and then September / October always tears me apart. And now it's been a year and here I am.
It's no great hardship and I know people who have stayed on klono or other anxiety meds for years. I just never thought I'd be one of them.
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny