I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months. About myself, and where I am in life. I was thinking about friends and stuff...going out and doing things....being close to someone. I realized that I don't do anything, nor do I have any friends I Would say are really close. I am beginning to understand myself a little, and realize that I'm scared of a lot of situations. I don't really have any close friends. I think all the time...if I was to get married today, who would be my best man? The answer: I have no idea, cause i dn't have anyone that is that close to me. THat's scarey for me. I don't go places, cause I'm scared that people are watching me, thinking I'm a loser, thinking that I've done something wrong. I don't go outside when the neighbours are out, cause I'm...I dunno...worried they'll talk to me and I'll say something stupid. When someone asks me something, I panic and don't know what say or do. Not like I have a panic attack...but my thoughts get so messed up that I lose everything. It's like I my mind gets so screwed up that my mind is just empty. I have had ONE serious relationship since I was 16...it lasted 6 months...and ended cause I was scared to death to be in the relationship. She wanted to go to a sexual level in our relationship, and I was too scared...taht I eventually broke up with her...to avoid the stress. I was seeing a Social Worker who was doing counselling with me, but I stopped seeing him...cause I was too nervous and scared when I was sitting in the waiting room that I would just leave.
I search for reasons for these things to happen, and all I can come up with is the inherent fear that I feel in these situations. When I looked things up on the internet and stuff...I think I'm comeing to the realization that maybe I have social anxiety disorder. I dunno. I find it to be somewhat of an oxymoron, cause in order to get help for what your anxious about, you have to put yourself into that very situation that causes you to be anxious. That is, in order to get help for the anxiety, you have to go see the doctor and talk to him about it, and that is something that causes anxiety.
I dunno...I feel really messed up lately.