Hello. I am a male survivor from csa. It has been about twenty years since my five year abuse cycle occurred. It started when I was about 8 or 9 in the Boy Scouts. My victimizer was not the scout leader but he was one of the assistants. He was about 20 or 21, an Eagle Scout, and had a very captivating personality. He knew everything about everything and I admired him and I was always looking for his approval. Looking back, I must have seemed like the perfect target. Anyways. We became close quickly and he started to drive me to and from the meetings (my parents liked and trusted him). Son though he started to convince me that the scout master didn't know what he was doing and that we should go on our own camp outs. So that is exactly what we did.

I don't know how many we went on but it was a lot. Soon after we started these camp outs I awakened to him playing with my privates. He quickly pulled away but then started to talk to me about if I liked it or had ever done anything with anybody. Then he started playing again while telling me how god I was and cute I was and how much he loved me.

After that night I have a hard time remembering how the rest of it happened or even what was said. All I know is that I remember time after time I was laying face down in the tent while he took me from behind. Looking back it seems that that is all I can really remember about all of our camping trips for those five years. Sometimes I get flashes of hikes and camp fires but mainly it is just his weight on my back and his breath in my ear as he confessed his love for me. I don't even really remember any discomfort from the penetration.

Finally, one day we were at his apartment. He was telling me how much he loved me and that he knew other men that would love me too and would even pay money to spend time with me. I think that that was when the spell was broken. He didn't love me he just wanted to have sex with me. Then he was on top of me again but it was different. He was being very rough and I was divers t in that I felt betrayed. It hurt so bad that time and it as the last time I saw him after he dropped me off at my house. We talked on the phone a few times after but that was the end. I never told anyone until my senior year in high schol when I told my high school sweetheart about my one gay experience. It was she that told me that I was a victim of child abuse. I never realized what was going on even after it stopped. I never knew that I was being manipulated and abused and used. It was a huge eye opener for me. Ever since then I have struggled with relationships, sexuality and trust in general. I almost never feel comfortable but I have Been trying to heal.

I have a wife and four kids and for them I have to work on this. I also have to work on it for me. But I don't want to cripple my children's growth and happiness with my overbearing protectiveness and constant fear. That is why I joined this website. I pray it helps me to heal.