I was watching TV last night, doing some "channel surfing", and on Lifetime, there was a movie about a deaf teenage girl whose father was abusive and a woman who was trying to help her. I tuned in just as the deaf girl broke something in the woman's home accidentally. She handed a belt to the woman, expecting to be abused. The woman said no, and hugged her. That scene really got to me, as I realized how often I expect abusive treatment in my life. When someone acts nice to me, I never trust it, thinking they want something from me, or want to hurt me. I felt like crying, but was abused into not being able to cry. (I just get migraine headaches instead.) I feel like I have two barriers in my life, one external, keeping everyone at a distance, and another one internal, keeping my pain and emotions numbed. I have been in therapy forever, but now can't go because of my unemployment. (I am going to check on low cost counseling, but at this point, there are too many other issues more pressing, such as the fact that I have no job, no income, no benefits, no prospects, and months of court battles ahead.) I feel like I have been in "crisis mode" for the last 8 years. I've had a few breaks where things haven't been so bad, but usually, it's "buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride", like an out of control roller coaster. Others expect me to be strong and help them, but I don't feel like I have anybody to turn to now except me, and sometimes that's scary and tough. I'm rambling, but just needed to share.