I think I get it now. For the past year I have been struggling with anger issues towards H. I literally tried everything to help me forgive, counseling, medication, yoga, meditation, exercise. For months and months it seemed I couldn't pry the anger out of me no matter how much I wanted to.
I also started getting panic attacks about a year ago. They have become frequent and it has been horrible and terrifying. I knew the causes was years of stress piling up.
It's been 10 years now since I chose to start therapy for my own CSA. I realized after a long time that I was loved. I also realized that I didn't know how to reciprocate this love. I genuinely did love my family but all I could do was hurl anger and judgment at them. I wanted to change and learn to be outwardly loving. I believed with all my heart that if I did someday I would have a wonderful family of my own and be so happy. I would finally be able to give and receive the love we all crave.
Tonight I was lying in bed listening to a guided meditation, trying to fall asleep as is the norm anymore with me. I started seeing picture and memories of me and H, going over the past in my head. I asked myself,
"so what is it about this particular guy anyway." (referring to H)
my mind answered back. He was the first man I ever truly loved.
In my mind he was the guy from my little girl dreams I hoped to meet someday. The first time I saw him I knew I would marry him. So strange because before that moment I never believed in that type of thing. Though it scared me to death I took a leap of faith and let myself really love him......and he has broken my heart.
Upon this realization I burst into tears and quietly left the bedroom. I need to get this thought out somewhere and it's too late to call anyone I know.
Maybe to anyone who reads this my thoughts don't make much sense. That's okay. I still love my H and he is trying, little by little I see his softer side emerge. I see the man I fell in love with. A man with hands strong enough to build a house yet gentle enough to nurse a baby chick from the brink of death(he did this a few months ago).
In some strange way this was an important realization for me. It's not only that I love him and he hurt me.. It's also about how he has trampled my picture of what I believed life would be like for me. A life I thought I had earned and was entitled too. I life I thought I would be rewarded for all my hard work it therapy. It sounds so silly and juvenile now.
The blend of anger and compassion I feel for H can be confusing. I feel angry about things he has done, and things he cannot do. And yet I also understand why he does them. I feel so much empathy because I can remember feeling so lost and heavy myself. I can remember how lonely it was and how terrifying, the consuming darkness that is CSA survivors life before they are able to switch the light on.
Tonight I've learned a lot about myself. I feel lighter yet humbled a bit. I still have so damn much to learn.
Everything comes from within