There. I said it. I haven't said it before - not in the last 3 years. Not when I was repeatedly betrayed, not when I was gifted permanent scars of the infidelity. Not when I lost so much. No. Then I was scared and desperate to try to figure out what was happening to the man that I loved.
My anger feels suffocating. I feel like I will hurt him if I communicate it - even little pieces of it. He's a scared person. He's afraid I will leave. He's afraid of the very little anger he knows I possess. What if he really knew? What if he got a good clean look at the depths of my anger?
I have kept it away from us. Kept it away when we were hurting. Kept it away when we were struggling to keep our heads above water.
My therapist says it is a good sign that I finally can access it and feel it. She says it is a sign of stability. A sign that I feel more secure again.
I don't want to be angry. Anger takes the sweetness from the sweet. Anger takes the quiet from my peace.
I thought I had accepted all of this. I thought that with that acceptance would come a release of my anger. But I am not so sure. Where is the space for it in my newly reassembled relationship?