I'm 64, didn't begin to remember father's sexual abuse until age 53, didn't begin to remember MOTHER'S sexual abuse until age 63. She systematically terrorized me into submission as her sex toy from 0-3 1/2. She had two younger children at that point.
I understand a great deal of what you are saying, Pete, and do not need to go into a great deal of detail about myself in this post. I am not in crisis at the moment and my intention is to offer you what support I can.
I want to emphasize that for me, early abuse gets written in the psyche at a level close to instinct. I hope you can find a place in that very adequate intellect of yours that can remind yourself that you were very damaged, very young. It's that young boy who is feeling so hopeless and so helpless. He needs your gentleness, your tenderness and your patience. He does get freaked out and impulsive. He needs your warm and comforting arms around him to grow through the trauma.
If I could magically send you a gift Pete, it would be a gift of timelessness. There is no rush to get someplace. There is only the now. The boy that is the boy/man that is you does not know that. The boy only knows the immediate terror and the impulse to escape at all costs.
I hope you can be open to the possibility that the depths of feeling you are having is actually a clearing process. Perhaps you are finally reaching a place of understanding and wisdom where a depth of horror you experienced feels safe to surface. I am sending you what support I have to give over the airwaves.
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards